Episode 48 Demise - Part 2

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  Grief is proof that there are things in this realm of existence that go beyond humanity’s ability to understand or conquer. Welcome to a podcast episode of uncomfortable truths, I suppose. But, and I should make this abundantly clear, I am not suggesting we surrender to grief or toss the white flag. Rather, there needs to be some sort of strategy shift. We cannot conquer it. Healing from loss isn’t reaching some nirvana state where you no longer feel the pain. It is not the removal of sadness. It is the ability to co-exist with your grief that marks a victory. 

Co-existence doesn’t mean you don’t cry. Or in this context it does not. Co-existence does not mean you don’t miss them. It just means that just as you do not have power over it. It does not have power over you. It is balance. A true and healthy balance. 

And that goes against so much of what we tend to do, does it not? We never want balance. We want power. Even I want that, as detached as I can be from everything. It’s a hard thing to give up. It just won’t seem to leave you.

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The duchy Jemes had presided over had a clear order of inheritance. As all duchies in the kingdom did. With Jemes’s death, it would go to the oldest child and down his line of sons, and if there were none, down the line of married daughters. But Jemes had known tragedy better than anyone. All of those children were gone. Now joined by their father in whatever came next, in whatever was there to greet the souls of the departed. And in such a situation, the duchy should be returned to the king either for him to hold for himself, siphoning off the wealth for the royal coffers or for him to bestow on another in exchange for favor and devotion. 

King Ezin considered his options with great care. It was no small decision. It should have been, perhaps, but it was not. A duchy without competing claim was a generous gift from a king, one that could also earn him enemies, and the royal coffers could never be too full which was a more neutral choice that could stoke resentment amongst those who had been loyal. Like his sister. The Princess Eathebel had made it known that she wanted the duchy. While she was not the duke’s true widow, that was merely a formality. In any event, the bribe would go much further with her than it would with any other courtier. 

But if that really were how the king wanted to play the card, then he might as well play it twice and get double for it.  He was sure Princess Eathebel wouldn’t mind the wait.

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People don’t ask me if I miss my dad now that he’s died. And I think it’s because it’s assumed that I do. Whether socially or because I still cry sometimes when he comes up in the rare conversation that sets up for such a mention. But in all honesty, my real feelings on the subject are surprisingly more complex. Because, yes, he wasn’t a great person. But at the same time, having him came with a sense of security that gets you a long way in a remarkably unsecure world. 

I think at some point you’re supposed to learn how to give that security to yourself, but I never did. And now it’s probably too late to.

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Vernin stood in the same castle window that overlooked his arrival. The view was surprisingly lackluster for a castle, but it was practical. From there, anyone could see the comings and goings of the stable. From there, Vernin could see the young princess set out on her riding lesson, just as the kitchen servant had said she would. He watched her carefully. Was this task a chore or a joy, he wondered. He picked apart her mannerisms for any sign of her feelings, but the princess was surprisingly hard to read for a child of her age. It was a good skill for a princess to have, but it was an inconvenience for him. 

With his focus so on the girl, he did not hear the man coming up behind him or the way the people around him lowered themselves to the ground in reverence. 

“Vernin, my friend,” the king cheered.

The surprise jolted Vernin and knocked him to the ground. “Your Majesty,” he stammered.

The king placed his hand under the other man’s arm and slowly pulled him to his feet. “Come, my friend. I have something to discuss with you.”

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Another thing about my growing up that might surprise people is that my family wan’t… not well off throughout my childhood. That probably didn’t make sense. There’s no good way of explaining where we were. We had enough. But anything extra went towards our frequent moves and expenses my aunt accrued. She paid into the family funds, though. She and my dad worked while my mom stayed at home and tried to convince the neighbors that it was a completely normal arrangement. Usually when mothers mentioned that she’s a widow who lost a child, the questions would stop. With those comments, things would make sense. Or it was a swamp you did not want to step in. Either way. 

When I was younger, I was supposed to help distract or explain things through my presence alone. It was supposed to be implied that I brought my aunt comfort. But then I got older. And not only did that lie not work anymore, but I also slowly became a liability. No one ever said it, but it didn’t need to be said. It had already been proven in some ways. It had happened before.

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“It’s what Jemes would have wanted, is it not?” the king said. 

His words did not restore Vernin’s tongue, even as he turned them over in his own mouth. The king was right. It is what Jemes would have wanted had the duchy been something he could will beyond his lineage. Or he saw Vernin as part of his lineage, even if it was not permitted. But it was quite another thing to hear a king agree. 

Vernin kept his eyes lowered as he spoke. “You know, he was going to ask you…”

He stopped himself. It didn’t matter. He didn’t want to share that memory with the king anyway. The hesitance wasn’t born out of respect or the need to please. It was simply a memory he did not want to share with anyone else. It was his property, his comfort in a time like this.

“Never mind,” Vernin said, dismissing his own unspoken point.

The king could not do so. King Ezin paused. “He was a good man, your brother. I came to love him as if he were mine. If there is something he would wish for me to do, I will do it.”

Vernin nodded. Not in agreement but as way of making his own vow. 

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Maybe I just don’t know how to miss people. Or grieve. Maybe I’m just really coasting in the sea of it. I’ve found the ability to tread this specific water, as thick and unforgiving as it is, and I have always kept my face just above the surface. I am not swimming. I am not drowning. I am some place in between, that is–in all likelihood–unsustainable. But it is my new normal, so much so that I cannot even question it. 

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Princess Eathebel counted the days until she could be released from her confinement. What had been nice in the beginning had slowly grated her nerves, particularly with news of the bastard’s arrival. Now that there was excitement in court, she wanted to be part of the action. She wanted to see the man for herself. She wanted to play the game that she had grown to love. Even if the first few rounds had been a matter of survival, there was more to it now.

At least through it all she was not alone, she thought. She still had Wane. He came and went from her chambers as his work allowed, but each moment with him was a lifeline. Each moment with him reminded her of why this all had happened. Each of his whispers made it all okay. 

He was her anchor. The rest of the world be damned. 

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I think I learned that stability comes from other people. Like for all the problems my family caused, it was always justified because we were together. We had to lock arms and walk through all of our problems as one unit. And it got us through. It wasn’t fair that we got to the otherside so unscathed, but that is what happened. It isn’t fair that no one paid for what happened because we all kept the loan from being called due. I know that. But when you take away the moral value on the result, well, you can’t really deny that they were results. And that’s the problem. That has always been the problem. 

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Vernin still did not sleep. His hand instinctively clutched the dagger, but he knew his grip was looser than it was. He was distracted by all of his questions. Not least of which was his sudden elevation, to be announced to the court the next day. His hand clenched as he reimagined the king’s face. The king had looked genuine, but Vernin still did not trust the man. The gift was a surprise, an unexpected play in this game, but it was still a game. Jemes would have hated that game. Jemes did hate that game. There was no doubt in Vernin’s mind. 

But what was he to do? That unanswered question was back at the forefront of his mind. He just needed to talk to the princess, he knew. The young one. Once the truth slipped out of her mouth, as it does from the mouth of every babe, the rest could start to come together. 

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Ultimately, it has scared me how much I am like them. How I don’t want to be alone, how I can’t do it. Because I know the lengths it took them and I know where it has not taken me.

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Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please leave a review, tell a friend, or donate to the show’s Ko-Fi account.