Episode 64 - Repetition

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  Welcome back to the podcast. I hope you’ve enjoyed this time away. Far too much time, I know. Okay, it wasn’t planned, I will admit. I haven’t been so on top of things lately, and for that, I do apologize. And while I don’t believe in excuses, per se, I will be transparent with you. I didn’t realize the toll this whole thing was going to take on me when I decided what the contents of this season would be. I didn’t realize how emotionally daunting this particular subject matter would prove to be. And saying that feels kind of dumb, to be honest. It’s the sort of thing that should have been incredibly obvious to me had I thought even the smallest bit about it.

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After all, “loss” is at the core of all this. This entire discussion is based on something being taken and forever out of reach. That’s what lost media is, after all. Lost media is a story that resonated with us that is now forever gone, taken from us, details otherwise unspecified. And as with all loss, it hurts. We grieve. We’re upset. And there are reasons for this that often strike at the very core of us. They relate to some sense of powerlessness or maybe to a need we have deep within. But it was never just about the thing, though it matters too, obviously. That lost story was important to us. It’s why we’re upset to have it taken away. It’s just part of a bigger loss that we might not first realize. Things are more complicated than we realize. But without knowing the complications, we can’t begin to understand what it is we feel. 

And we need to understand it. That’s something I’d never thought I’d say. I have always been and think I still am the sort of person to bury and compartmentalize feelings as often as possible. I’ve always insisted that it was just better that way. It’s more bearable that way, or so I thought, but I'm not sure. And sometimes it all just slips out. But if you understand what it is you’re feeling, specifics and all, then at least you know what it is you’re saying.

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Jade was not a hero but the protagonist. And sure, there were adventures where she was hero-like. There were storms she helped manage, buildings she erected, puppies she saved, and the like. There were times when she did good work, and there were times when it was even her idea to do the thing or she rejected the idea of someone technically older than her who should have known better because they didn’t. She knew best. And she did best.

And when you think of those episodes and the good Jade was able to do within them, it’s easy to want to call Jade a hero. And when you look at her situation and the lack of care that she received from those around her, it does get tempting to call her one or to think of her as a hero. She’s someone who overcomes the odds for the good of others. Until she doesn’t.

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I understand the point of children’s media because–really–it’s the point of all stories. Also we’ve always had stories directed at kids. It’s just a matter of the details, you could say. Stories are about conveying a message. Sometimes it’s about expressing ourselves, and sometimes it’s about teaching others. Put emphasis on that when it comes to kids not just because that’s often the point of the stories you tell them but because receiving a story helps teach a child how to tell a story. It helps them learn that skill, this tradition that has brought people together for centuries. Millennia, even

And that makes the whole media literacy conversation a bit scarier, to be honest. Because suddenly if media literacy is dead, this is not just a skill that’s been lost whose absence will make our lives worse. It’s actually a break between this generation and the larger human tradition. It’s a sign that we could very well lose something which is at the core of who we are. And that is more than a little horrifying.

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Sometimes I don’t sleep at night, to be honest. Call that another reason why the release schedule for this show has gotten so off-kilter. It turns out that sleep is important. I’m sure that’s the sort of thing that went without saying. It seems like I need to remind myself of it, though. If only because it can kick start some other conversations I need to have with myself and likely a medical professional or two. I just don’t think they can really help me with the sort of nightmares I’ve been dealing with. 

There’s an irony to the nightmares, almost. They ensure I can’t sleep or sleep well, which fuels the overwhelming sense of exhaustion I feel on a daily basis. Eventually, and this doesn’t happen all at once, but it does happen, th exhaustion knocks me out. It is the weight that pins me in bed and traps me in the despair of my sleep where the nightmares can easily get me. Then there’s no easy way out. When I do finally get out, when I wake up in the morning, I never want to sleep again. And so it goes.

I’m trapped in a cycle that I can–in theory–break. There are steps that exist that would allow me to break free, but I can’t take them. They aren’t within reach. Or rather, they might be, but to do so would be to unleash a certain sequence of events that I cannot stand to face. In the end, it always comes back to that.

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At the end of the day, though, when you really look at the specifics of the story, Jade was still a child. She was a child with limitations. And she looked towards the adults in her life for guidance. Maybe she had some instincts, more than you would expect a child to have, perhaps. But there were limits. There was only so much she could do. Those instincts needed to be honored and nurtured. For that, she needed an adult. Or several to guide her.

So what makes a good guardian? Could you answer that for me? It’s someone who is wise and knowledgeable, you could say. It is someone who is kind and gentle. It is someone who understands the psychology of children. But it definitely has to be someone who means well, who cares about the child in question.

If that was a difficult exercise, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put it on you. That’s the sort of person that is easier to recognize than to describe. You need to recognize them. You likely need to rely on them. Describing them isn’t so important in that context. It’s not a practical skill. And so, you don’t really form it. Not in the way you build that pattern recognition.

But think about Jade, think about her life and how little care we saw her get. Do you think she could see it? Do you think she knew? Maybe that’s why she trusted the woman whose voice purred in just the wrong way, who still had the bottle just out of sight, and who had a darkness in her eyes that transcended the medium of animation. We would know. We adults. Assuming we look back of course. But we have a chance of recognizing it. Jade didn’t. Jade saw something else in her. What it was, I’m not sure.

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Actually, maybe I would be able to face them. Maybe that could be a possibility if I simply knew for sure that everything would work out in the end.  Maybe if I knew that things would be okay when the cards fell, then I’d be able to take that first step. It’s unlikely, but I can be optimistic.

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Jade didn’t question what she was being asked to do. A tray? That’s a simple request, and it also makes sense. The man was sitting on a chair out in another room. He did not have a table in front of him. And drinks, as far as Jade knew, had to be kept on a flat surface. So this drink had to be brought from the kitchen to the man on a flat surface. A tray was perfect for that. 

It made sense for a child. The pieces fell into place awkwardly, but the flaws were something a child could overlook. 

So she worked on the tray, giving it some style and fancy edges. At first, she forgot to put the handles on it, but that was an easy fix. 

In the meantime, the woman mixed the drink. She took a goblet out of the cabinet and poured some wine into it. Then came a small touch of water from a pitcher and finally the contents of that mysterious bottle, carefully snuck into the home. At first, she started with just a few drops, poured out with a gentle tilt of the bottle. As the drops hit, there was a slight bubble, a fizz and then the liquid settled. That was it. Dramatic but not overly so. A statement that did not insist on itself. 

On the other hand, the audience would have known something was up. Jade wouldn’t have, even if she could have seen it. Which she couldn’t. She was too distracted by her own task.

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You know, I’ve been trying affirmations out. Positive affirmations but not spoken affirmations, which I think is how you’re supposed to do them, but I’ve been writing them out.

I’ve always preferred writing. I’ve always trusted in a pen or keyboard more than in my mouth and my odd voice. That is my strength. That is my comfort. And those are also my greatest tools. I need to use them to my advantage. 

Sound logic, right? I thought so, but now, well… I wonder if I haven’t made a mess of things. Because now my brain isn’t firing the way it used to. Now, it’s been harder to work on this project. Not that it was ever easy, but the nature of the challenge has seemingly changed. 

But it could be any number of factors, right? Any number of things could be involved in this difficulty. Maybe the situation is just innately shitty. I don’t know.

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It started with just a few drops, just a test as it were. A little bit and when the woman wasn’t destroyed in the process, when the wine wasn’t spilled and the house not burned down, she added a bit more. The same thing: bubbling, fizzing, stillness. Then came the third round of a pour and the reaction.

Her breath caught in her throat. Her heart was pounding. You could almost see it through her skin as she dumped the rest of the bottle into the goblet without a second thought.

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I found a clip of some old movie on TikTok the other day. I don’t know if you’ve seen those sorts of channels, but there’s almost a genre of TikTok content that’s just mysterious figures trying to game the creator fund by harnessing views from copyrighted content. Or that’s what I think is happening. The infamous “copyright not intended” from early YouTube days isn’t anywhere on the page. Which is a reference you might not get. Maybe I’m just showing my age. Regardless, this was a clip of an old movie I think I saw once. It stuck out in my mind.

It was a horror movie, I think. Of a woman who killed her whole family to be with a man only to find that some other thing was keeping them apart. It had come between them before. She just didn’t believe it. So when some divine force came and offered her a second chance, transporting her back to the day before she made that fatal error, she doesn’t take it. She goes through the motion again. She kills again. The story repeats.

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Jade presented the tray triumphantly to the woman. Her face was glowing with a smile. She had done something. She had created a whole sea of things. And the woman pretended to care. She pretended to notice those details before she put the drink on the tray.

“Good girl,” the woman  said. “Now run along. Go give it to him.”

And Jade did. 

The expression at that point–the phrase I was tempted to write–usually goes: for better or worse. But I can’t put that here because it was only worse. There was only worse. 

Because I think it was poison. I think the small bottle the woman had taken from the market was poison. And that was why the man died. Painfully, if his face was anything to go by. 

Yeah, the cartoon showed you that too.

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Before I fell asleep the other day, I dropped my phone while I was scrolling TikTok. It fell under the bed, looping the same video over and over again as I searched for it in the dark. The phone landed screen down, which did nothing for the noise but made it harder to see. It was annoying, but it did help me realize something. 

I am stuck. I think that’s the real issue. I’m stuck on the same story. My mind is stuck in a ditch with the same 30 second audio clip on repeat. In short, this isn’t the episode I should be telling you about. I’ll see you in two weeks.

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Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please leave a review, tell a friend, or post about it on some mysterious online forum. You do you.