Episode 15 - An Abrupt Ending

I’ve never been sure how common this habit is, but sometimes, with online life or media or anything, I burn very hot and then… Nothing. Not even cold but nothing. A not coming back, if you will. It’s like everything is just a phase in my life, and when time moves on, I go right along with it. Even those things that you would think would be the most enduring like my resolve. 

(Music fades in)

Everything is a phase in my life. Every relationship is… Not exactly conditional. But everything is tied to the ground beneath me, beneath me in the moment of course, but I am running. Constantly running as fast as my body can. So I’m leaving everything behind. Inevitably. 

I leave everything behind. In the past. In the dust. Away from me.

At first, it was only a survival mechanism. A weird way of coping with other things in my life. But it has come to define my life. And all that I am. Nothing has lasted, and I don’t expect it to. Even the Forum: my once constant companion. This place I retreated to constantly. This home of mine, though forced. That too became a distant memory once… Well I, (inhale) I think you expect me to say the veneer of safety came off. But in some ways, it was never really there.

The Queen and the Watchman were two losses of many. They only stood out in my mind when I was telling you this tale. That’s why they’re here. I lost many before them, but they were the two that walked away from Aishi’s wrath relatively unscathed. Well, I guess technically I did, right? Is that what you want to say? You could say that for now. But maybe only for now.

I’ve been lying. This entire show I’ve been lying to you. And I don’t think that’s too much of a surprise to you all.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

Most liars get caught because they can’t keep their story straight. I think I read or heard that somewhere, but I can’t remember where. I agree, though. And I’m sure a lot of people would, so maybe it’s an observation many, many have made, and that’s why I can’t source it. But it is true. Inevitable. Generally accepted. Liars get caught because any mental divides they make cannot last. They aren’t made to last. The material that built them is not right. The human mind is fickle and constantly in flux. 

The authentic will always seep into the manufactured, cracking the facade so delicately crafted. And what’s seen, figuratively or not, can not be unseen. What’s exposed can only be ignored, but I would caution you to not ignore it but to believe someone when they show you who they are. Whether it be a malicious predator or a fearful child who never learned how to be brave enough to wear the cloak of truth bearer or witness.

I am what I am. And you are what you are. Isn’t that what you told me.

To you whom this podcast was made for, to you who will not let this mystery die, I don’t know if this has been enough for you. Enough to prove who I am, yes, but I think you already knew that. They say I sound like her. They say I’ve picked up some of her linguistic habits or failings, and I hate that about myself. I hate talking for that reason, but I guess I can make it worth something. (chuckle) All that self loathing worth something. It would be a one in a million achievement. That’s for sure. 

But I suppose only time will tell if I was successful on that front.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

I never logged onto the Forum again. The Queen came back. The Watchman went away. And sure, Aishi was angry about it. But I did not have to see most of it. I hardly saw much from this point in the story on. I can tell you that there was a moment of a forced serenity when I knew the Queen was coming to save the Watchman but before it actually happened. Aishi was still raging and Dad was not home, so I sat in my own silence, a weird oasis in the landscape of misery around me. 

Now, there was some anticipation to be had, quite obviously. The Queen did not tell me of the hour in which she would come, and I did not know if I was able to convey how immediate the need was. But then again, the Queen had been investigating the matter for so long, she must have known the way it goes. Even if she could not prove it. It was an anxious wait. The noises from outside my bedroom only grew louder and louder with each passing moment. Another crescendo of sorts but also not. It was strangely practical. It was all a consequence of the contents of the chest spilling out into the air. 

I told you I was not supposed to touch that chest. And that was a fear that had consumed my parents so much, enough to become a ritual of its own. And maybe that was a little bit irrational, considering all the other threats that were out there to be feared. And the chest was just a piece of a larger problem. But played nicely into the family’s secrets. It was this nice target that we could point to. Others were just more complicated.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I guess you could, in some ways, call it Pandora’s Box reincarnated. And you’ve heard that old myth, right? Pandora was a figure of Greek mythology who opened up a jar in her care that contained all the evils of the world, specified and not. It was her curiosity that did her in, that released all these horrors, or that’s how I’ve heard the story told. She had meant for it to be nothing more than a quick peek into this unknown, but when she opened the lid no more than a crack, sickness, death, war, poverty, etc, etc, all of that spilled out into the world, escaping with no hesitation the moment the opportunity presented itself. They blew passed her even before she could react. 

The only thing that remained in the box when Pandora pulled herself back together was Hope. Or so most tellings of the story go. But maybe you’re confused as to why Hope was in that box at all. I know I thought as much when I first read the tale, but years later I found out some translations don’t refer to this lingering being as “Hope” but as “Deceptive Expectation.” And that makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? That’s the sort of thing that you would expect to find in a box of evils because there is a cruel trick involved in a ‘deceptive expectation.’ A bait and switch by other names. We incline ourselves towards something unrealizable. Something that was never going to be. It’s all a lie that has a greater effect on us, one that we created. That’s all it is: a lie that has the potential to alter the course of your life.

Or is it more like a faulty promise? The soul dying of some sort of deprivation like dehydration is now being presented the gift of water. Of course they are going to take it. So are you only betraying their trust before they fade away? How needlessly cruel that would be. Intentions aside.

It was an interpretation that was easier for me to accept, but the implications of it remain, don’t they? Because is this to say that we shouldn’t have hope? Because is this to say that we should not have hope because what will hope bring us? It could be a reason for us to go on, sure, but there’s always that issue of direction. 

I did have hope that this would all end in a better way. I had hoped before, though, and it had never seemed to work out. I’d like to think that I never threw all my weight around one hope, but then again, it wasn’t always my life on the line.

Somehow I was vaguely aware of that. It’s the reason why I kept the chest… Pandora’s chest you could say. Closed.

And still, life is seldom as simple as the stories we hear, old or new, mythical or real. Greek mythology listed Pandora as the sole keeper of the box, whether her failure at keeping it closed was destined or inevitable or something she accidentally fell into, it was something within her control, within her hands. But in our home, there were four people who had access to the chest. And who could have opened it at any time. Evil could have always spilled forth whether or not I did anything at all.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

There’s a term for it now. A DDOS attack. Distributed denial of service. Or overwhelming a system to the point that it cannot be used at least for now. The Forum was overwhelmed and could not be used. The Watchman, The Queen, Aishi, and I were all kicked off the Forum. Everyone who was there was kicked off The Forum as it collapsed beneath the overwhelming demands for attention and service. 

At this foiling, Aishi was engulfed in anger. The Watchman was confused. And the Queen… the Queen had orchestrated it all. And she sat on her throne in some sort of distant place unknown to me. I could speculate, yes, but she wasn’t even in her castle in Virginia. She was somewhere closer to me. Somewhere in the American Southwest. And she even tried to tell me where she was. Because she wanted me to flee to her where I would be safe and with her. But I could not be with her forever. No matter what she wanted to argue or promise.

Who knows where I would end up? And that’s the main thing Aishi had going for them. And there were vague ideas tossed out there, yes. You could make theories or other guesses based on other experiences, but there was no certainty there. 

With Aishi, there was certainty. Not safety, sure. But certainty.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

I’ve spent this social distancing period at home, obviously. Though I might not have gone out if there was the option to do so. I know that I’ve failed on many fronts. I know what this episode is supposed to be: a more firm declaration of events or at least of the mirror I used to twist the truth into something else, something only faintly recognizable to people who already knew the tale. 

I magnified the way I coped with this, and that, once again, is not what you needed me to do. You need something more substantial. But I can’t give you that.  

Once again, I know this episode is not going to be what you want it to be. It’s not going to have the sort of closure you might have even expected from a season finale. Even the promise of other seasons might not mean anything to you. Especially… Well, you in particular. Who has put so much of your hope to lay this ghost to rest on this indirect confession. I don’t doubt I have not given you enough to put this puzzle together. Particularly together beyond a reasonable doubt.

But I’m doing what I can. I just know it’s not enough.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

I spent most of the reckoning hiding underneath my bed, so I don’t remember much, but I remember the tension. The strained silence. The bickering back and forth. I remember trying to hear for any voice I recognized. Like my dad. I was even listening for my aunt’s voice, and I hated her, and she hated me. But all the same, she was someone I knew. Not like the police whom I had heard listening outside of my window one night. Many nights. I could hear them I was working on the Funhouse Hallway Mystery. I heard them again. That day. As they were clearing out the home. As they searching for the chest.

(Pause)

I don’t need to tell you that they weren’t very thorough. That’s why they did nott find the chest. And that’s why they did not find me, under my twin size bed in my bedroom. That wasn’t a very ambitious hiding place, but still, I went completely under the radar. 

But you already knew that. It created an untold number of problems for you in your investigation. And to make it all worse, you lost access to me. You couldn’t expect me to risk anything more. Not after that moment. 

But did you think I was upset with you? That you let me down? No, Your Majesty, you kept your promise. The Watchman lived. And that;s all I was asking for. Maybe I should have asked for more, but my standards were fairly low at that point.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

We had to pack up and move after that. Again. Which might not be a surprise by any means. A spectacle like that… (exhale) Okay look, it wasn’t so far from the norm, but it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. And we had to move again. But it felt different that time. It was more frantic, and my aunt had less of an attitude. And there were no goodbye’s. There was no pretense of normalcy. We just up and left. 

I never went on The Forum again. Or the Funhouse Hallway either. They were so far out of reach that I… (sigh) Well, that entire situation was a bell that could not be unrung. But at the very least, no one knew exactly how it happened. So weirdly enough, I was safer than I had ever been. 

But still not safe enough to tell the exact truth. Not even now after so many years. But I’ll give you more. In time. It’s just that the Funhouse Hallway Saga is over. There are new games to be found, certainly. But this… Well, you said it yourself, Your Majesty, it was always unsustainable.

(Music gradually fades out)

Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show, please leave a review, tell a friend, or donate to the show’s Ko-Fi account.