Episode 22 - Approach

(Music fades in)

If we’re going to do another check in, I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube let’s plays of that one game. You know the one I’m talking about. The really chaotic one that just brings out a certain strain of nearly universal humor. The absurd and chaotic type. Sorry for the repetition. There just aren't too many words out there with that meaning. Or at least not ones I like using.

But against overwhelming odds, I feel better. There aren't too many reasons to, but with all the nonsensical laughter, there must have been a shift in my brain, I guess. There’s been some sort of chemical reaction there that makes me think, for several moments at a time, that everything is okay. Or that everything will be okay.

But when I’m not in those moments, I’m still left scrambling for some sort of coping mechanism, which I technically have. I could go back to watching let’s plays, but at some point, it will cease to be healthy. I mean, at the very least, you need some variety in your life, right? A variety of coping mechanisms.

For me, this has become, through a series of events I don’t entirely  understand, the impulse to reach out to people from my past. I’m sure there’s part of this impulse that’s really just me taking stock of all the people I’ve known in my life to see who is alive and who… Well, who’s gone. 

(Gradual music fade out)

A friend of mine from my college days died some time ago. But it was significantly less time ago that I found out. 

(Music fades in)

After I found someone else’s Twitter account. Someone who apparently had stayed in touch with her to the point that he had been told that she died. He tweeted about it. Just days after it happened. He was tweeting about the funeral. I don’t know how Twitter displays tweets when you search for them or when you search for a person and their old tweets come up because of the name link. But that’s how I found out. The funeral tweet wasn’t on top, but for some reason I just kept scrolling on that page. I kept scrolling, and then I saw her name. Couldn’t believe I was seeing her name in that context. And then looked until I found her obituary. Which did not take long at all. 

I don’t want to be surprised like that again. Selfish to say, I know, but that was the worst part of it to me.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

There was a period of mourning for the general’s daughter that was appropriate both for her status and for what her status could have been, but once that mourning period past, the palace pretended that she never existed. It was for the best, the king would say in quiet, and it helped that her parents were sent away. For their own pleasure and rest, it was said. That was a bit of the truth, yes, but it was more complicated than that. The general and his wife were grieving and did not want to be around anyone. Their hearts were broken, and it would be impossible for their hearts to be fully healed or even patched up in the least bit. 

And it would be worse--they knew--when the prince’s new bride was selected. After all, he needed to marry. If not to their daughter, rest her soul, then to someone else.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

For some reason, the group of people I’ve focused on most during this reconnection period has been my teachers. Some of them anyway. I’ve stayed connected to a fair few of them. And they’re really the only reason I still have a Facebook account at all, which might provide that algorithm some confusing data, so that’s a win. 

I do all of that partially because I am grateful. I’m grateful enough to want them to see the fruits of their labor in me, but it just feels like… like more than that, sometimes. Because I’ll never be able to connect with everyone. Nor should I. I-- 

(Sigh.) It’s complicated. It’s always complicated with me.

(Pause)

Sometimes I wonder how the GiftedDuckling is doing. I mean, she was my teacher in many ways. It shouldn’t be controversial to say that she’s technically a teacher of mine. I guess it’s… Well, it feels like a hair split to say she wasn’t. I think sometimes the context just shouldn’t matter with certain words, but the idea of ‘teacher’ is heavily steeped in a certain context, but what do I know? 

She was kind to me. She was kind as a general rule. There is an insufficient amount of kindness and goodness in the world. So maybe I really just want to keep stock of it all. Maybe I just need some sort of assurance about where specifically it is. Maybe that’s what this is about.

It can’t be about connecting or conversation. I don’t have the will for that. Not now, and in some ways, I never have.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

The initial call for a princess was renewed. Messengers went far and wide,  searching for a suitable young woman. One who was willing to come and tie herself to a (inhale) rather insignificant throne. They were a small kingdom, after all. They had minimal wealth and hardly any potential for more, and to push too hard for it would be tempting another kingdom to swallow them up or would risk being overthrown by people who had become accustomed to a sense of comfort and independence that other kings and queens never bestowed upon their people. They had a taste of a good life, and there would be no going back. 

To be royalty of this kingdom was to be content with one’s lot. The drive for more would bring one’s destruction. 

And so, while there were offers for the prince’s hand right away, the eagerness was not assuring. To jump at the opportunity to marry a first born prince would be wonderful for the potential queen of any other kingdom. It spoke to one’s drive and one’s resolve. To one’s decisive nature. But it also spoke to one’s desires, lust, and wants. 

Understanding human action and motivation is a difficult game. Actions have so many dance partners. Actions and motivations draw from each other in non linear ways. Movement is constant. Shifting is constant. 

Maybe one of those princesses would have been a good match for the prince, but those versions of the story would never be told. In time, they would find their own husbands, some with kingdoms and some without. In any event, they were all better off for it.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

The GiftedDuckling learned how to read my reactions to the words she offered up. Now, whether this was always the plan or not, I don’t know. It depends on what she knew when this started. And I won’t pretend it wouldn’t have been impossible to figure it out. It never had been. Never is. It has come up since then. Someone has pieced together my past despite how many years removed I am from it. Back then, everything was fresher then. 

Then again, maybe the GiftedDuckling did not have the skill set to do it, the set that I thought she did. She certainly didn’t have the skillset of the Queen or anyone on the Forum. But that doesn’t say much. She didn’t need to do everything. Just enough of the right things. 

Like say the right word. When she offered the word bruise, my flinch was pretty telling. That must have been all she needed.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

In the year of our pandemic, following someone around isn’t all that possible, is it? Or at least, it’s super ill-advised because of the risks you are taking for your own health, and in some ways, it is unnecessary. I hardly leave my new home, and I’m locked in a lease for some time. The Queen knows where I am; she doesn’t need to come looking for me. And part of me doesn’t want her to. But part of me does. If only because I want someone to be there, watching me. 

Maybe she couldn’t help me, but she did care. And that was more than most. In fact, that was the only defense I had.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

The queen labored over the decision more so than the king did. And she claimed it was because the prince was her son, her most beloved son, and his happiness was not something she could take any chance with. 

And that was the truth, but it was a truth carefully painted to create a certain image. 

The prince needed a bride who could protect herself. The queen would not be able to do it forever, and the prince’s attempts to restore order, to go against his sister, would only be his undoing as well. She could tell the prince about the spell, but she worried what he would do about it. For the prince was as steadfast in his convictions as his father was, and his father had certainly taken things too far a time or two. How could the prince not do the same? 

The prince needed a bride who had more sense and one with power but no interest in accruing more. He needed a bride who was a fighter who was dedicated to her new family. And to her life. 

The queen was consumed by this difficulty, thinking about it often, and so--of course--this is what she was thinking of when the messenger brought one of the last proposals to her. That of a noblewoman in a kingdom far away. A kingdom that had seldom interacted with the queen’s. And yet, she thought she knew the place quiet well. . 

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

The GiftedDuckling knew what she was doing. That, in fact, was the last litmus test. The GiftedDuckling was waiting to see if I would react to that word. To a word that could mean nothing, but it could easily mean so much more. While it wasn’t a threat, it certainly invoked memories of such and other sorts of memories that could easily be used to strengthen a threat or in the place of them. 

Once that was settled, though, the issue was what should come next. What was the next step for her to take. She had uncovered a landmine, sure, but I was always so quick to shut down and pull away from her whenever she got close. What she didn’t seem to realize was that I didn’t want to pull away from her. I had never wanted that. That whole thing had never been about what I wanted.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

The queen approached the king in due haste. She had to. It was high time their son got married, is what she said to him. But really, the queen wanted the marriage locked into place before the king realized what that country’s main export was. The king did not believe in magic. He did not want to. Divinity, yes, but magic wielded by mankind was a different matter and something he was so fearful of that he would rather it not exist and could potentially pursue to that end.

(Extended - Music fades out and new music fades in)

Aishi Online is a production of Miscellany Media Studios. It is written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. With music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. If you like the show please consider leaving a review or posting about it on a website that might not be around in five years. Make the post vague and somewhat mysterious but still compelling if you want. Up to you.

(Music fades out)