About

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            I have been regrettably busy lately. Or not so regrettably. What with two weddings that has now since concluded. And on top of that I have had a bit of recovery time. So my post wedding-life is somewhat back in order, I guess.

            Not my wedding, by the way. Either of them. The first was that of a college friend, which happened pretty close to me. And the second was the wedding of a high school friend back in our home town. And even though neither of these weddings were mine, it still felt like a lot. But hey, I made do with the many things on my plate. Somewhat. But I haven’t lost sight of the simple fact that they were a lot of good things. But a lot is a lot. So much in fact, that I had to miss a week of posting because travel and just general excitement is exhausting. And I needed a break.

            On top of all that, waiting in airports is surprisingly tiring, even when it is the airport in your hometown where you spent quite a bit of time during your college years because the whole out of state school thing can be exciting but with prolonged moments of boredom, always around travel.

            I guess, airports are probably a tiring place. They’re just emotional places in general: departures, reunions, all those things. But the airport I spent so much time in was also painfully familiar, which should have made things a bit easier. I mean, isn’t the hard part knowing what stalls have the good food and what needs to be avoided? Or that’s what I always thought.

            I’m not sure anymore. But on the bright side, you would think I had spend that time working on scripts right? And I kind of did. But I have many shows in production and in development that it kind of was a wash. Also I’m working on a couple different book projects, one science fiction and one fantasy that I didn’t think I was going to do for many years, but now I’m doing them. Life’s an adventure. Even when you don’t think it will be.

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            And that’s somewhat getting to the topic of today’s episode: a movie you might not be familiar with. But for some reason, when I was waiting in that airport, a place I had somewhat romanticized during my high school years because of what it represented: that new horizon, opportunities that I had wanted and thought I understood. Escape, I had called it, which turned out to be more complicated than true, and I kind of knew that going in…But I’m rambling.

            I had learned that it was complicated, this dream I had in my head. That was a lesson that I really should have more paid attention to beforehand. I guess I just wasn’t all that quick of a study despite the reputation I had in high school. But really, it just hit me one day while I waiting in that airport. That same airport that I then found myself in as I was trying to get back to my cats.

            I didn’t have cats back then. In fact, I’m sure past me wouldn’t have believed that I’d get two cats now. Very naughty cats, I am inclined to add. But I had thought a dog would be a better match for me. In fact, that was something else I had romanticized. But that’s a story for another time.

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            Hi. It’s M. Welcome to Episode 74.

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            As far as openings go, that wasn’t a great one, I admit. It was probably a little vague. But the actual story started before that.

            The story of today’s piece of media starts when I was in high school. High school English, specifically. An AP class, to get into even more specifics. That’s advanced placement for the unfamiliar. But in this context, in the context of the College Board—that’s a specific organization, it takes on a very different meaning. You see, it’s the sort of high school class that gives you the opportunity to take a test at the end of the year whose results will hopefully persuade your university to give you college credit for a similar course you took in high school. It’s graded on a five-point scale, and in certain subjects, you’re only going to get that much desired credit if you can get a five.

            For the multiple choice portion, not so bad or hard. If only because all the information you need was supposed to be in the curriculum or in the test itself, in the case of reading comprehension questions. On the other hand, for the essay portion, you probably had to bring stuff in. It was the only way to set your essays apart from all essays of all the other kids in that class across the country.

            This was especially true for the English literature and composition course, as they called it. Sure, you needed to know the technical terms and how to take a test, but they didn’t really give you too much to work with when it came to the essays. In short, you had to know a lot of outside stories to do well. Essentially you had to have enough in mind to cover every possible theme or mood that they could devise a test question around. And yeah, that’s a lot. A lot less if your teacher can be strategic and make certain recommendations.

            I had a pretty good English teacher for this class, so that’s what my class was doing. We learned the technical stuff, but we also studied a lot of books, more television shows than you might have expected, and a lot of movies to develop a repertoire that would work for this exam. Which is how I found this movie that you probably never heard of.

            Could I have actually gotten away with a surprise? With burying the lead on this one? Definitely. But on the other hand, no matter how I presented the episode, it was probably going to be a surprise. There’s a minimal chance you know what I’m talking about. It’s an indie darling, and really only possible in an indie setting. For better or worse.

            And I’m not going to argue if it is better or worse. I’m just going to be grateful that I took the English class that I did, when I took it, and with the teacher I had. Simply because it meant seeing this movie, and I say that in light of how difficult it is to see again. Despite having Peter Dinklage. I mean, in a post-Game of Thrones era when he is cheered for the effort he put into something that was seemingly created without effort, looking at you season 8, you’d think every distribution company would be pushing whatever works they have with him in it. And he stars in this one.

            But it’s more than just that. His performance is really what gives the movie so much power. So yeah, I’m surprise they don’t capitalize on that.

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            The Station Agent is a 2003 comedy-drama, put that in quotes I guess… At least the comedy part. It was written and directed by Tom McCarthy. With a 500,000 dollar budget and 8.6 million dollar return, it is the quintessential indie darling. Or something that producers would be willing to call an indie darling. Look, they might not actually watch it, assuming that something like this isn’t worth the time given the limited budget, but they would note the return on investment. And to some people, that’s all that would matter.

            But to me and to many people, it’s worth so much more than that. The Station Agent is a slow but intense dive into the lives of three people, principally Fin who is played by Dinklage, at a time of transition or on the verge of a threshold of sorts. These are three people who find themselves at times in their lives that we could all connect to without any of clichés you typically see in a Hollywood film.

            For the sake of this review, I’ll focus mostly on Peter Dinklage’s character, Fin not only because he’s the lead but because his story is the one that stuck with me the most. Also, not so fun fact, this movie is the reason why I had a celebrity crush on Peter Dinklage in high school. Which I admit is a little odd. Celebrity crushes on a whole are a difficult to understand phenomenon, but you know, he didn’t even have a chance of becoming such a heartthrob until years later, but his Game of Thrones look didn’t resonate with me even if it is objectively better. All in all, I just jumped into the boat before it was ever in the harbor. And I am very self-conscious about that.

            I should probably stop talking about this…

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            Finbar McBride is a quiet, withdrawn man with dwarfism and a deep love of railroads. And none of that lands well with other people. It makes it difficult for him to connect to others on a genuine level, and he has burned by this many times before. So emphasis on the withdrawn part, I guess. How much of it is a preference or a reaction is a bit hard to gauge. He does have at least one friend, though. The guy who owns the model train hobby shop he works in. But then, unfortunately, this one friend dies suddenly and the shop has to be closed. A two for one on the horrible front.

            But then Fin finds out that his friend has left a piece of rural property with an abandoned train depot on it, and you know, people haven’t been so great to him anyway. Maybe there is a silver lining to this in that he can now be alone on a somewhat isolated property with a train depot. He doesn’t have to worry about other people and the way they treat him. And in some ways he turns out to be right and in others he wasn’t.

            Because, you know, no person CAN be an island. Even if we think we can handle it. There’s an aspect of it that just isn’t practically possible. Either because we need to eat or because we might almost get hit by a car when the driver is distracted. It’s hard to say, but a lot of things are possible.

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            And maybe you can see where this is going? I’ve said multiple times that when I was in high school, I wasn’t happy with where I was. That I was growing up in an environment that had a different conception of the capital-G Good and the lowercase-g good for me that didn’t match up with anything about me. It wasn’t a good fit, and I did try to force, but that sort of thing doesn’t work out. I was expected to go on a very specific career trajectory, in many ways, be an oddity of a certain type.

            Spectacle is probably a better, more objectively accurate word. But I don’t know. When I look at the convictions of everyone around me, oddity feels like a more appropriate title. Because it wasn’t anything I wanted, even if I was the only one. There was this sense in which I was expected to assume a place or a role as thing to be seen and gawked at regardless of what I may have wanted. Even if all that sight and gawking was being done in envy. That wasn’t how I wanted to live my life.

            So I left. Obviously. After being somewhat withdrawn for far too long.

            However, I left with the intention of going down a similar, albeit somewhat personalized path. But on that path, going back just wasn’t on the list of things I needed to get done. And that was a long list with a minimal barrier of entry. Likely because, I really didn’t know what should be on it. I might have something in mind, but it was really just a placeholder. Something I had always held onto and was now reluctant to let go of only because of that consistence and a bit of nostalgia.

            I was figuring it out without the sense of certainty or confidence that Fin carried himself with. But even then, there is a fear and anxiety beneath the surface. It lingers beneath the facade everyone puts forward. We just don’t call attention to it. But in that lies the ultimate quest of this film. It’s not about conquest. It’s not about love. It’s not about overcoming a challenge. It’s really just about finding a sense of direction, of finding what brings you joy or what will before finally starting on that path. It’s about knowing what to do before you can ever begin to do it.

            And therein lies the film’s appeal, I guess. This straightforward, funny yet depressing, depiction of a quest I was already on or on the verge of starting that I really couldn’t admit to aloud. This film doesn’t have the artificial sweetness of a Hollywood production or the sterilization or the cheesiness. There isn’t forced conflict created just to check off boxes on a marketing sheet. Which is Important because life does not adhere to a marketing sheet, for better or worse.

            It’s just a story. Like the ones so many of us have to live. And one that I could connect to maybe too well.

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            In terms of my English class, we didn’t really consume any piece of media like The Station Agent for the rest of the year. Because if you want to get technical, we only needed the one for the exam. One of everything for the essay section, just to make sure we had all of our bases covered. Also we could have always watched other movies in our spare time. That’s our time to do with however we please.

            But I did want more, and maybe I am to be blamed for not going after it. But in what I guess is my defense, I didn’t really know how to go about finding these types of movies. And I was also largely indifferent to any and all movies, though I am still unsure clear as to why. Maybe I just didn’t transition out of the children’s movies phase in time or properly.

            And hey, if we are being honest, or if I am being honest, then I should also admit that I haven’t seen this movie since. You can actually rent it on YouTube now, so there is a solution. But every so often I would try to find it on Netflix, and maybe my timing was the problem, but I never had any luck with it.

            Now, I could always rent it on YouTube for 4 US dollars. I looked it up for the sake of this episode. But did I watch it? Honestly. Because I mean to be right now. No, I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to.

            And that’s probably a problem. But maybe not. It’s hard to know because I don’t quite know where I am standing.

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            Here’s something to consider: at what point does a movie stop being just a movie but a cherished memory from your teenage years, accuracy of that memory aside? I can’t tell you exactly where that point is, but I know that’s what happened. This isn’t just a movie to me anymore. I know there is this risk involved in watching this movie again. That is if I don’t feel the same way, well… Actually I don’t know how to finish that sentence. I don’t know what would happen then.

            It’s easy to jump to worst case scenarios when you’re dealing with what you think is a foundational brick to your identity. Never mind that you’ve spent years building and expanding yourself, and the base is getting bigger as a result. Now there’s hardly anything that COULD be lost that would cause the structure to completely fall apart. But with the stakes so high, do you really want to take the chance? Could you ever be persuaded to take that chance?

            I don’t know about you. Or why I bother to ask rhetorical questions when podcasting does not come with a comment section. But personally I am not as brave as I might seem. But sometimes you do just have to jump in. Whether it be carelessness or the unbridled enthusiasm of getting to live on a somewhat isolated property with a train depot. Yeah, I brought it back to this movie. I can’t help it, to be completely honest still. And that’s part of the problem.

            When I say that this movie has affected me deeply, I mean it. Maybe my other metaphor was wrong. Maybe it is not a brick. Maybe it is the frame of this structure. I really just don’t know anymore. Well, not about that.

            I do know that I’m glad that I saw it. I’m glad that I have touches of this in my life. Because it is something beautiful and something I don’t want to lose. Or risk, even by seeing this old friend again.

            And if you are expecting some sort of grand reflection that comes from returning to the hometown I had run away from. Well, it wasn’t really that hometown. I had to go to a neighboring city for the actual wedding, so what time I did spend in my hometown was in the airport. And it was simply a transition point more than anything else. It came with this feeling of knowing that something is going to and really needs to happen but not knowing what it will be. Of knowing that you want this next stage to be defined by what makes you happy and by what you love, but you are still unsure what the key to that actually is.

            So yeah, it’s a bunch of uncomfortable feelings. Much like airport chairs. It’s really not a great time all around.

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            This has been a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. Thank you for listening. If you like the show, please leave a review, donate to our Ko-Fi account, or check out our other shows. Links in the show notes.

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