Episode 85: The Unmade Podcast(s)

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I do feel somewhat bad doing a double downer episode full stop, never mind that my timing could be a bit better, what with the whole global situation right now. But at the same time, it’s that situation that makes this episode so relevant to me and so difficult to push back. Also it will come with additional recommendations that are a bit more lighthearted, so there’s that aspect of it.

But before we get to that, I should tell you that Podchaser, a website that’s kind of like a podcast themed social media platform but also not exactly, has a review feature, which does help indie podcasts get discovered but also, for the first half of April, Podchaser will donate 25 cents to Meals on Wheels for every review made, specifically for their Covid-19 relief fund. And if the podcaster replies, Podchaser will double it. So now would be the best time to review your favorite shows, even if they aren’t mine. Especially if they aren’t mine. But I can only reply to ones on my shows, so if your goal is to maximize the donation, I can only make so many promises.

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Hi. It’s M. Welcome to Episode 85.

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And now back to… Well side-stepping current events that are incredibly horrifying. 

But here’s the thing. A few weeks back, when my office transitioned to strictly telework, I was actually bright-eyed and trying to be optimistic. I mean, staying at home was going to help the situation, especially because my greatest fear was spreading the virus not so much getting it. And that plays into a different psychological issue, but don’t worry about that for now. The point is that I was somewhat bright eyed and unsure of what would happen or how this would all feel like. And from that perspective, I could obsess about how much time I was getting back with that shift. My commute is an hour each day and each way. So that’s two hours for every work day I’m getting back, and also, I can squeeze a few minutes back into my lunch because there’s no rush to reestablish a physical presence in an office space. If I’m logged on to the computer, that’s fair enough. I mean, I also work much quicker than everyone else, so a great deal of my job ends up being spent waiting. And what I do with that waiting… Well, if there’s genuinely no task to do because I’m waiting on my manager or even their manager, then I could in theory work on my own projects, but it’s hard to do that in an open office, cubicle setting. Which is probably the point of an open office model, ignoring how that undermines office morale and any sense of camaraderie amongst the staff because anybody could be an informant but whatever. 

All of that is only relevant if I’m working at the office. Which I won’t be. We’ll all be working from home, and we’ll all be safe. So I will have extra time to work on my projects, I thought. And I’ll also have some peace and quiet with my cats. Or as much peace and quiet as two tiny furry balls of chaos can leave in their wake. 

The point was: I was going to be more productive. Or that’s what I thought. And from the looks of Twitter, I was not the only one who thought that way.

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I kept seeing Tweets about how Shakespeare--and yes, that’s the William Shakespeare--wrote King Lear while the plague raged outside his home. Is it true? Well, maybe you’ll know my response to it. It has stopped mattering whether or not it’s true. This is the idea that we have all collectively run with, and it even took on a few different forms beyond the specific “create something capable of enduring the test of time.” There was the ‘learn a new language’ camp, and there was the ‘learn a new hobby’ camp with a subcamp of jokes about being a gourmet chef at the end of the quarantine. And okay, if you can’t go out to eat and have to eat, then you’re getting a lot of practice cooking at home. I mean, there’s already been a yeast shortage from all the people baking bread. I was even baking.

But… Well... has anyone felt as productive or capable as they thought they were going to? I thought I was going to get a couple novels finished. On top of everything. But sure enough, I’ve struggled to get things done that I’ve always gotten done. In particular, laundry is just a Herculean feat that is just not happening. Never mind my once daily Italian lesson. And that Duolingo owl’s going to come for me soon, I swear.

So cue the second wave of tweets that have offered some sort of absolution. I mean, the constant reminders that we aren’t in our home or home offices by our own choice but because there is a global pandemic going on and all that comes with that state of affairs. Also the aforementioned kittens, that are excited to see me constantly and also to show off on video conference calls.

To all of that discourse, I don’t have too much to add. Some of the demands on your mental capability and mental health right now are beyond my support abilities by a great margin. I can say that right now. Our goal needs to be to make it to the other side of this tunnel with yourself intact. And don’t beat yourself up if the additional dressings and decorations aren’t what you expected. I mean, a cake is still a cake, even if the lettered frosting isn’t centered.

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What I can say, and what the topic of today’s episode seems to prove is that--even under the best of circumstances--creating things, especially podcasts, may not always work out. 

Today, I’m talking about The Unmade Podcast: a show where Brady Haran and Tim Hein, childhood friends from Australia, and yes they have the accents if that’s a selling point for you, discuss ideas for podcasts that they will probably never make. The ‘probably’ is probably important because Brady Haran is also the runner of many YouTube channels. All the channels in the Numberphile family, in fact. So clearly Brady is the sort of person who loves making things. And that involves ideas, and you see where this is going without me making an indirect not-attack-attack. In fact, they even made a sample episode of a potential podcast idea, which is an episode that is very close to my heart, but I fully understand why it can’t actually be a long running series. Tommy Ball is just such a complicated game, you know? 

Okay you probably don’t… But all the same, The Unmade Podcast is a chance to give ideas that Brady and Tim can’t work on at this time a chance to shine. And honestly, while I would love to listen to any of these pitched ideas, at least to try them, I fully understand why they can’t be made. After all, I can only guarantee that I’ll listen for a few episodes just to try it. If you were already dead set on making that show and the effort is appropriate to the payoff, that assurance might be enough for you. But I could understand why it wouldn’t be. Every artistic endeavor has to come with a cost/benefit analysis. And the cost goes beyond the money involved or the effort exerted. I mean, the whole Groundhogs Day idea would be more than a little taxing mentally. And sometimes taxes like that can be hard to justify. And woo boy do I know that struggle all too well.

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I feel like I should preface this idea by saying that I know it’s a bad idea, and that I’m not going to pursue it, but one of the other podcast ideas I thought I was going to end up working on during this period of social distancing was a series of open letters from one person to their partner who is under a more strict quarantine than we are now. Was it going to be a real time-slash-real world commentary on the actual social distancing situation? No because it was going to take placein space. Because I sometimes feel like the only audio drama creator who doesn’t have a sci fi project on their public roster. True or not, it makes me feel a bit insecure.

The partner in question was meant to be isolated in their temporary quarters on a new planet. And the narrator, the lover who was the reason they came to this new planet, would be making tapes to comfort their beloved, telling them stories of this new life, explaining this new planet. And… Yeah, that’s… Considering we’re all waiting for the other side of this tunnel and coping however we need to cope, that felt more than a bit inappropriate. Very inappropriate. And it might feel like that for a few months or more or even years. Or whatever. 

And maybe you disagree because this is the sort of thing that you might need to hear, but I have another thought on the matter. I don’t know if I can muster the necessary positivity or support to write what would need to be written. I already have a dear friend who is in the high risk category, and I’ve done everything I can to bring them comfort, sure. I’ve told them stories and jokes, and we’ve played games together virtually. We’ve done everything we can together given the distance, but I have a feeling that our friendship and the long history behind it is giving me some sort of buffer in the comfort category. Maybe I don’t need to be great at it just because of who I am to them. Maybe it’s just nice to talk to somebody who for sure cares about you, and that’s really what I’m offering, the exact quality of the gesture aside. 

I don’t know the specifics, but I have a feeling it’s not a transferable good. 

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And then there’s the other idea that is not possible. And weird enoughly, that idea was inspired by The Unmade Podcast. Or my history with it.

But okay, some backstory. The Brady in The Unmade Podcast is the same Brady Haran on Hello Internet. Hello Internet is a podcast hosted by him and the YouTuber  CGP Grey, and it’s the quintessential two dudes talking podcast where the subject matter of each episode is determined by whatever those two people find interesting or relevant. So some things are inevitable, and some subjects predictable. In that sense there is an ongoing but hard to pin down theme to the show. But in the absence of that clearly articulated theme, each Tim--and that’s what listeners to Hello Internet are called just take that at face value for now--might have their own mental connection to the concept of Hello Internet that serves as a lens through which they view the show through. And for me, that lens was the terrible job that I had in which I would spend hours listening to the Hello Internet backlog which I started doing once I realized that everyone at that office was too lazy to fire and replace me. 

I’m not even kidding. At some point, the power dynamic shifted when my manager realized that he and no one else in the office understood the way our fragile database worked except for me. So suppose I did not write clear instructions when I left… Well, there’s only so much they could do without admitting that their system is genuinely flawed and maybe donors should not be giving such an incompetant organization money.

And that mild rant is somewhat relevant, but it will be later.

To me, Hello Internet will always be associated with that sense of existential dread that comes from a terrible job that you just want to escape from but literally can’t even get fired from. And maybe that’s why Cortex--the productivity podcast with CGP Grey and Myke Hurley also resonated with me. It played with the fantasy of going completely on my own as a self-employed person who would never have to deal with the drama and petty office politics again.

But back to the point, The Unmade Podcast was launched on the tail end of that terrible work experience, when the bitterness was still fresh and somewhat of a defining thing in my life. And before you accuse me of being petty, I know it was really petty to feel that way. I was a dog backed up in a corner barking because I needed things to not get worse. I don’t have any misconceptions about that when I look back.

And that’s where this other unmade podcast idea comes from. It’s an hourlong episode where some former assistant gets to confront the person who was once their boss about all the stupid and scummy things they endured.

And that sounds cathartic, right? I mean, we all love to complain about our bosses, and some assistants--like I technically was but should not have been--have it really bad. Also, in theory this could cut someone’s ego down to a reasonable size. Or at least down a couple pegs. And , that’s the sort of thing that can somewhat improve the world a little bit. 

In theory, though. And really only in theory. Because reality is almost always so much more complicated than we want it to be.

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I mean, really, if your ego is that bloated, then one tongue lashing no matter how deserved is not going to do much. You’d be able to explain it all away as an “everyone else has this problem, and it says nothing about me.” Because that’s how you’ve always handled it. Logic being completely out the door at that point. It got fired a long time back. 

And also, sure that would make the assistant feel good in the moment but what about the long term consequences. I mean, you could have them sign waivers that might protect the former assistant against retaliation, but that would only protect against direct retaliation if you could enforce the agreement, which is also impossible. Or almost impossible.

And as an extension of all that, you can’t really expect to have any participants without really intense recruitment or high rewards. 

So all in all this is an impossible task, and if it wasn’t, that still doesn’t mean it should be done. Some podcasts just should not be made. And The Unmade Podcast somewhat demonstrates where that line is. It’s not just your imposter syndrome getting in the way. Sometimes a podcast idea is genuinely impossible to implement, no matter how entertaining it may be.

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I recognize that this is entirely unintentional on Brady and Tim’s part, but The Unmade Podcast is essentially assurance that not all shows need to be made, particularly if it’s at the expense of your own mental wellbeing. And sure, that’s easy to say, and it’s easy to believe, but when you actually get down to the thick of it, there’s an odd sense of uncertainty around this fact that we’re so reluctant to articulate. And it also might be hard to fully conceptualize. Just hear me out for now.

There’s an old expression that goes, “The dose makes the poison” which is simply to say that you can overdo something and cause havoc in your life, no matter how good that thing is. 

Imposter syndrome, this sense in which you believe against facts and rationality, that you are an imposter pretending to be someone with talent, someone who can do the thing being asked of you is a serious problem in podcasting. For podcasting, this is the prevalent “why am I bothering to make my show when it isn’t very good.” Or “It isn’t as good as this professional production.”

In a space that anyone can enter into, it may be even easier to think that way. Because you know, “if there was an authority checking tickets at the door, would they have let me in,” that’s now a lingering question. But we push back on it, collectively. Or sometimes we do. The nonelitist of us push back on this idea that there should ever be a quality-based limitation placed on what can enter the podcasting space, but I would cautiously say that there is a danger in the over-correction. There are shows that genuinely can’t be made least they break the figurative backs of their creators. And that’s the part of the story that we are hesitant to tell.

Maybe rightfully so. Maybe we should not tell it. Maybe human languages can be so easily twisted and turned as to become almost unrecognizable, instantly, that we need to be cautious, but that only makes The Unmade Podcast so much more important. It’s a display of things that cannot be done right now. Even if it’s only because the two people with the ideas have way too many ideas and not enough time. Which is a boat I am comfortably seated in. So yeah there’s that. 

But especially now, when there’s this lingering pressure to make the most of this time indoors despite the actual reason we’re all in our homes, it’s nice to know that some shows are going to stay unmade. 

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This has been a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. Thanks for listening! Find more information about our shows at miscellanymedia.online or follow us on Twitter @miscellanymedia for updates on current and future projects.

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